s i l h o u e t t e ds a r a h

here, here i am

2010-08-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

blue sky at dawn, can't sleep.

FORK IN THE ROAD:
but what should I do?
.................................
t i m e w i l l t e l l
.................................

fight till the end

2010-04-06T11:46:00.000-07:00

sometimes its hard
harder than you think
PUSH PUSH PUSH
p u s h t h r o u g h it
let it be/what it wants/to be

to grow is to be and to see

2009-12-24T07:54:00.000-08:00

s a t i s f a c t i o n!
from action, -
a reaction?
a tricky thing, it is:
TO LIVE...
but
a d a p t a t i o n
IS KEY TO
s a t i s f a c t i o n!

---------------

I've come a long way, but I've got to keep moving (chuggin') along.
But growth is key, I find. A necessity.
[Self-reflection as well.]
Although, growth without reflection is: (impossible?)

Unsure I am
of what lies ahead.
BUT confidence will come,
the further from --
MISTAKES and (belly) ACHES

state of the (brain) address

2009-06-11T09:52:00.000-07:00

it's (really) all about,

the M E N T A L zone you make in -

create in - your mind.

earth-colored clay

2009-06-08T14:08:00.000-07:00

I'm starting to get a clearer picture...
of what might be
the potential that could be

O P T I M I S T I C

I'm malleable
ever changing
never stopping
choo-choo!

tango til' their sore

2009-04-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

H E A T --

it's making me,

turning me,

churning me,

in and out and up and down

C R A Z Y (!)

the weight at the end?

i f e e l a l l a r o u n d m e

pressing down on my back

tension, where is your release?

the END is in sight,

but out of reach

please, come quick!

save me.

no way out but through.

UNFORTUNATELY

new hair for the new millennium

2009-03-02T08:58:00.001-08:00

24 and counting

2009-02-22T09:18:00.000-08:00

getting older
feels like...
s t r e t c h i n g
through
a
continuum of time

yesterday feels like
ages ago
but 1990 is
in my back pocket
clear as day

will it get any
e a s i e r ?
please, say yes.

full circle

2009-02-15T20:23:00.000-08:00

i have made a
D E C I S I O N.

a
D E C I S I O N(!)
has been made

a decision
to return to
...
what was once
commonplace.
sometimes that is
the M O S T
simple, free(ing?)
ah yes:
l i b e r a t i n g.

---------------

let me try
red, pink, & white
i can feel [him]

it stares back
[at me]
waiting/watching

come
catch me
when I

f
a
l
l
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

on a path to fulfillment

2009-02-12T19:16:00.000-08:00

giving things up is always hard to do -- but especially hard when you have compulsive/obsessive tendencies like me. what I'm realizing (more and more) however, is that the golden rule of "small but mighty" can be applied to more than just a games of chinese checkers. if you take it day by day, something that seemed impossible initially, will become inevitable with each passing day of success!

in the same vain as 'practice makes perfect' i think i am really starting to appreciate the rewards of self-discipline, focus, will and drive (something that I struggled with throughout college, i think). and this is not only in light of my recent lifestyle changes, but a general philosophy/principle that i want to start applying to all aspects of my day to day living.

in general, things seem to be going in my favor as of late and i want to keep it that way. in my eyes, the only way to maintain my current level of 'success' is to stay focused, be determined to continue on this path, and ultimately remain humble with each advancing step i make. other than that, it is out of my hands... i just need to stayed focused, and go along for the ride of a lifetime. be it up or down.

IN OTHER NEWS
alice comes to new york on monday! i'm really excited to host her for a month in new york (we finally finished renovating the equip. room and it's awesome, fo sheezy!) .... funny that i've been to switzerland so many times within the past ten years, and she hasn't been back to the states since that fateful night we hitch-hiked out of sea ranch, california (at age 15 and 13, respectively) on a mission to get some chocolate. those were the good old days, all right. carefree summer days, youthful optimism, and california sunshine -- who could ask for more?

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so here's to a new year and a new way of life -- still the same life, but with a different fire set underneath it. to meeting new people, attaining new prospects, and success with all that we so desire.

re: kundera

2008-12-30T16:55:00.001-08:00

i feel just as thankful (more, even) on new years, than I do on thanksgiving.

but it makes sense...

New Years is always a great 'holiday' because it is a chance for many people from different times to come together and celebrate the possibilities of the future.

--family of friends---

... the future seems weightless to me.

still not i

2008-12-10T18:35:00.000-08:00

ENDGAME

2008-12-09T15:30:00.000-08:00

it's ironic that i've become so into chess no more than a month after I successfully cracked Beckett's "Engame" and am concurrently having trouble with me actual endgame, while at the same time am physically in the endgame of the semester.

All that pawn and rooking.

Anyone have any tips on improving your endgame (literal and metaphorical)

tea for two, and two for you... tea for me?

2008-12-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

It's almost through... ---

A year and a half of grad school has zipped past, and I find myself feeling more and more like a real director. The confidence, the insight, the visions of what could be. I am beginning to realize the real importance of research and how that impacts the work you do as a director. To direct is to be a student of life, and I think I've made the right choice because I'e always known that I was a life-long student. I may not end up being IN school for life, but I will never stop absorbing, will never stop learning. Because what is life without knowledge and understanding?

---------------------------------------------------------

My little personal/emotional crisis that I was dealing with about a month ago has passed. I am comfortable in my own shoes once more - thank god! School is good - great, even: Im doing good work, and I feel myself growing artistically. Ideas are brewing and I am comfortable in New York City again. Alice told me that it is normal to have a crisis about halfway through your studies... I wonder why that is? I can't remember if I had one at Gettysburg, I don't think so -- maybe it took it's form in my switch to the Philosophy department, and then to theater?

All in all though, school is good. It's tough, but it is so rewarding and the more I do, the more I begin to realize that I really think i've found my calling. Things that used to be a struggle now seem to come a lot easier, and the more I practice the better I become. Many believe that artists are lazy pot smokers who just sit around and "create" but to be a truly great artist you need discipline, and dedication... but that is if you are really after creating art (and I mean all kinds of art - video, photography, painting, theater, music, writing, whatever) I'm not out to become the next hollywood star. What I really want is to be satisfied and happy. Satisfied with my work, my life, my location, and my comfort level. But things are going well and I can't complain.

I got hired to direct a one act play at the Philipstown Depot Theater in Garrison, NY. It's a mere 30 minutes away from NYC, but the minute I step off that Metro North train platform I am immediately transported to another world. I love the feeling of being back in nature! At the base of Bear Mountain, and on the edge of the Hudson river I feel a release in the breath of fresh air. Listening to the quietness of nature, and the humming ofthe birds in the trees makes me happy. There is something refreshing about being surrounded by our good old earth. I think if I weren't an artist, I would be a tree hugger. Or maybe an appalachian nomad.

---------------------------------------------------

It was around the beginning of October that I began to feel stifled by the concrete jungle of New York. It seemed claustraphobic and heartless - but I've found it's soul once more. It might be that friends from the past have entered back into my life and I have begun to remember what MY new york is all about. Sometimes I get caught up with all these new york city transplants and I loose sight of the greatness of this city. There is so much that it has to offer, and I want to eat it up. Culture and books and museums and art. Where else can you get all of that in one place?

A new prospect is on the horizon that I won't mention just yet because it's bad karma, but it could be BIG people! Cross your fingers for Sarah Bellin - 2009 might have something very exciting in store.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Winter keeps creeping in and then running away. I want the snow to come, so I can go skiing! Cross Country at the Pallisades, or Mount Tom in MA, or even better: cousin jimmy's place in VT! Let's pray for a cold winter.

Keepin' it real and feeling loud and proud
-s

the pombom is here

2008-11-15T07:03:00.001-08:00

A new prospect for all gaget freaks - a phone that projects powerpoints of "72 on a wall, serves as a razer, a harmonica, and also brews coffee? Rumor has it that it's all a hoax, but the idea is clever and we can all dream, can't we? Since the idea has been put out there, I'm sure somone will figure out a way to engineer it.

Fact, fiction, or future?:::

... if so, say sianara iphone

what was she drivelling about?

2008-11-13T14:31:00.000-08:00

thank goodness Endgame is over. It was a little too drawn out, and anticlimactic non-the-less. Onto CHEKHOV!!

I've fallen in love with "The Cherry Orchard" hopefully the visions will remain strong, and I'll be able to create a fully realized design for the play.

Thinking about "Three Sisters" casting

....AND CHRISTMAS BREAK....

President-Elect Barack Obama

2008-11-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

At 12:38 am November 5th I received a message from a friend in Scotland who had stayed up all night watching the polls: "Unbelievable, America! Exciting and unforgettable - we recognize you once more. Welcome!" The next day many other notes from abroad flooded my inbox - words of congratulations and a pat on the back from around the world. I'm so proud of this country! I'm proud to be an American for the first time in my life. Deep-seeded resentment and shame I harbored for many years, mostly ingrained into my brain during the early years of my life when I was surrounded by non-Americans, bashing America. But today, and yesterday, and tomorrow I feel proud. It's the dawning of a new time.

As I drifted off to sleep on the night of the election, I heard WOOTS and GO OBAMAS from outside my window... a very good day.

------------------------------------------

Now it's time to go back to school. Or at least put my focus there, but for some reason I feel let down this semester. I feel suffocated and am clawing at the walls. I don't really where it comes from, but part of me is putting the blame on not accepting that touring-gig over the summer. Of course it would have forced me to take a break from grad school, but now that I am here and unhappy it seems that I made the wrong choice. It's easy to just say I shouldn't let it get me down, and that I am young and that opportunities may arise again, but I feel disappointed that I made the wrong choice. Of course, it is possible that I didn't make the wrong choice - but I guess one will never know and that is what I need to get over, and understand about life. There are so many things I could have done thus far in my 23 years that would have placed me in a "better" situation, or worse even. I guess I just need to take it on the chin and let life steer me where I need to go.

Sometimes I miss the iron-cad methodology of science. But it feels too late to retreat to that at this point. And art is inspiring, but can be draining at the same time. Maybe a change of location is needed for me - a new perspective on the world, and what life is and who I can hope to be some day in this world.

I suppose the early 20s are a complicated time, and you are meant to question your existence and purpose in the world... but goddamnit it's frustrating!

--------------------------------------

Next phase in New School for Drama directing program:
*The beckett phase of my training is coming to an end, and boy am I glad. As we enter into Chekhov world, I hope that my sense of things gets more positive.

*CoLab project with Garlia is going to be hot. We are going to make it work and it will shine!

--------------------------------------

I love Towey Tow Truck more than you could ever imagine. And my dad. And cheese. (doodles)

yes we can

2008-10-29T22:23:00.000-07:00

only five more days till the election. i can feel it in the air.

yes we can:

Not here, not I...

2008-09-04T09:40:00.000-07:00

It feels strange to be back, but the last couple days in Zurich were really amazing and in retrospect I probably should have pushed my flight back een farther than I had... but oh well. Completely back in the grind of school now. Class and rehearsals and more rehearsals... I am not sure how I feel to be back, actually. I am not as excited as I thought I was - everything seems a bit dull after such a whirlwind summer, but I suppose that is natural.

There is a furture in store for me abroad, I can smell it... and almost taste it. I am not sure where my life is going but I know that I've been lucky so far, and hopefully that luck with stick with me. I miss Switzerland so much, though. The environment, the cows, but most of all the people and my friends. I made such good ones there this summer, and rekindled old ones. I am not sure what I am doing in New York anymore... I am really starting to feel that I need to get away.

In October I have an invitation to go back to Zurich (for some business prospects) so I will try and make that happen, although it really depends on how school starts to unfold. Next week begins ADing for the Second Year production of 'Stage Door' directed by Hal Brooks. I am excited to get to watch a professional director in action, because I never have before... so definitely something to be learned there.

Currently directing a whole crapload of Beckett. Getting prepared to go to my first rehearsal of 'Not I' a one person short play that features just a pinspot on the mouth... it ends up looking like a blabbering mouth suspended by nothing... here is one of the most famous versions, starring Billie Whitelaw:

Other beckett that I will be direcitng includes Happy Days, and Endgame. I think I will also get to act in Endgame, since the directors are directing themselves in class...

So I guess it will be an interesting year, I suppose I am just spoiled from Europe and miss it dearly.

a rubber chicken, gregorian chant, and mr. fizzywig

2008-08-25T12:33:00.000-07:00

The last performance of '1913' went really well: we tried out some new things in the play including me getting shot with a rubber chicken, and a gothic style ending with Maria Tarnowska being sainted by Alice as preacher. It was exciting to try something new and daring after minimal rehearsal in front of a live audience - it gave me a rush. Three weeks of performances was an invaluable experience, but I must say that I am really happy to go back to directing in the fall.

We fly back to Zürich tomorrow, and then it will be a hectic day of running around, seeing people, and saying goodbyes. I don't like those - they are the worst - especially when it's unclear when the next time you will encounter each other again will be. But we will make it happen, our group was too strong to let the fire die. There is something special here.

On the other side, I am so freakin' excited to go home. I can't wait to see my Towey, my love. My father, of course, and my mom (although she was just in scotland last week - which was absolutely great - we rented a car and drove on the other side of the road among other things).

I am getting very excited to start school again, but I can't believe I begin on sept. 2nd already. Life is moving past me fast... it's getting blurry. But I still remember, and the pictures are clear in my mind. Life is getting better everyday... with new experience comes new strength. I am such a cornball, but I really have grown this summer in so many ways. I don't feel like the child I felt like when I graduated from college - so unsure and undefined and helpless. I am starting to take shape, and am becoming interested again (in what? in everything!). I finally feel whole again, and strong enough to be by myself. Independent. Phenomenal woman.

And all of a sudden it's Christmas again...

2008-08-18T04:18:00.000-07:00

Went and saw 'An Evening of Steve Reich' at the Festival Theater last night. It was live performances of Reich music, with choreographed minimalist dance by Anna Theresea de Keersmaeker. It was pretty unbelievable - trans-inducing, even. Alice, Eliane and I felt very inspired. The precision and skill that is needed to play that music is... well have a look for yourself:

Oh, no! Where did the groove go??

Have been smoking a lot of cigarettes lately - Parisiens - and I don't feel too guilty about it; at the moment it's an okay thing to be doing, and for some reason Swiss ciragrettes taste better than all others. One more week of performing, the shows have been going well. Some days are better than others, but generally audience reponse is very positive and we have received some great reviews.

invaluable experiences:
a summer in scotland
chillin' with swiss cows
meeting new people
hiking up the salsibury crags
eating fish and chips in Leith
christmas in august
blond beer for dinner
international theater

My mom comes to Scotland on Wednesday - then we are back to Zürich next week. It's been one of the best summers of my life.

1913 or Nude Descending a Staircase

2008-08-02T09:58:00.001-07:00

from left to right: Nicholas Naumoff (Alice fiedler), Count Paul Kamorovsky (Eliane Iten), Maria Tarnowska (geraldine Dulex), Donat Prilukoff (Sarah Bellin)

in der schweiz

2008-07-04T12:43:00.000-07:00

Rehearsals for "1913, or Nude Descending the Staircase" are going really well, but they take up a good chunk of our time, so i haven't had time really to enjoy any of my favorite Swiss pasttimes (hiking, biking, swimming in the lake, etc) but tomorrow we have a day off and we are planning on doing some of the above. Next week we are rearranging our rehearsal schedule so that we can have afternoons off to chill, so that will be much better and a lot less stressful. Right now memoriing is a bitch but we'll get through it.

Rehearsals for this play are in Zugerberg, which is a mountain village about 30 minutes outside zürich. To get there we have to take a train to a bus, to a CABLE CAR!! 15 minutes on a cable car and then you are at the top of this mountain with the most spectacular view in all of switzerland -- you seriously can see everything from up there. and it is completely secluded, so we can focus solely on our work, its pretty awesome. The next two weeks of rehearsal wll be tough, but then Edinburgh will be really fun since we just have one hour-long performance per day. can't wait.

Right now alice and I are living in this villa with 18 other students, the rooms are huge, its kind of like a commune type thing. the people are realy nice, and we have a ping pong table, and a big movie screen and projector in the back yard, so we can watch movies and stuff outside.

nothing else to report. life goes on.

Amen.

2008-06-29T16:08:00.000-07:00

and so it goes:
W O O S H -
like the wind

over and out
g o o d b y e
and it's a good
riddance, too!

bridges crossed
bridges BURNED

... but ...
who really gives
a s h i t ?

hi-diddle fiddle diddle dillen dally day

2008-06-21T09:32:00.000-07:00

i have been working very hard lately. Not just hard at my job, but hard all around. I've been putting effort into everything I'm doing, and feel like I'm going non-stop. Sometimes the city feels overpowering... there are too many things to do, too many people to see, and not enough time. I'm looking forward to the languidity of long zurich days, and cool summer nights.

For a while there I was working almost everyday at the restaurant, but now since "Helen and Teacher" is in full swing, I've cut back to just three shifts a week. Still it's plenty money for me to sock away and save for Europe. The "Helen and Teacher" project is very overwhelming. I am working with very professional actors (lots with broadway credits, etc.) and it can feel intimidating. Actually, the truth is that it is less intimidating than it is nerve-wracking... I want to make sure that they actors are accomodated for in a way that they are used to, but at the same time I need to maintain my authority, etc.

Susan's script is completely still in development, so it's too early to be doing this reading - however, i think the whole experience will be a positive one.

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The play I am performing in at the edinburgh fringe festival is called "1913 or Nude descending a Staircase" - it's about this Countess who murdered 6 of her lovers with her husband. I get to play a narrator type role, as well as two of the lovers that get axed. Whoopie! (Goldberg?)

Time for me to go. Amy is coming today -- yay!

it's been so long, I forgots how to write!

2008-06-01T08:48:00.002-07:00

Summer is in full swing now - I can feel it in the air. I'm staying with tango for the month of June and have been working my ass off so I can enjoy the leisurely months of July and August with my best buddy and fam. I'll miss everyone here, though - especially Towey, my love.

I finally got a job working as a waitress. The money is actually really good, and the shift seems to fly especially when we're busy. It's a vietnamese restuarant with class:
http://www.bunsohonyc.com/

Hopefully people can visit me, and then I can treat them to some tasty B'un, or tuna rolls, or whatever the hell they want.

L I F E is G O O D

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The most significant part of my week came when I received my History of Directing grade from Jane Ann, who notoriously is a hard grader, strictler for anything that is not by the book, and a Yaley with an attitude. I really tested my limits with that woman. For our first presentation/bib assignment I did elementary level research, pulled and all nighter to get the 25 page thing finished and gave a half-assed job on my presentation.

BUT... she called me out on my shit. Which made me happy. Her comments were right on, and she could see though me immediately. Now that's the kind of teaching I'm talking about. She kicked me in the butt, and my response? an A worthy project on Tadeusz Kantor... I got As on both the presentation and the paper... and ultimately lifted my grade in the class up to an A-

Soooooo happy! I can't wait to have her again for experimental theater. This past semester really showed me how academically oriented I am, although I did have a lot of fun with the practical work as well. All in all things are going well, and looking up.

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I had to work an overnight shift friday-saturday, and then 5-close last night, so I wasn't able to go see liz in her time of need. I feel like a shitty friend, but hopefully I will get to go see her within the next couple of days when things at work slow down a bit. I love her and all my bag of dicks so much - miss them all terribly.

HELEN AND TEACHER

2008-06-01T08:48:00.001-07:00

... and thus begins the 20 hour struggle that will be called "helen and teacher" (book/lyrics by Susan Russell, music by Lynn gumert)

2008-05-21T21:25:00.000-07:00

One year stronger, one year longer

2008-05-21T09:52:00.000-07:00

This past Sunday was Gettysburg graduation... so it's been one year since I left that place. That night the Empire State building was lit Orange and Blue. Poignant, is the word for that. Gettysburg - I miss you a lot. So bucolic, so slow. Life there moves at a different pace. I miss my bag of dicks, can we arrange a reunion in June? (Tomorrow I get to see Rob and Karen, which should be nice).

Classes and school are finished - now I am looking for a job and preparing for the hell that June will bring with the creation of that staged reading for Susan. Only 20 hours of week, but it will end up being much more than that with all the outside work, plus the script is still "in development" (needs A LOT of developing)

My first year of graduate school, what can I say? It was a whirl wind, and it's only now that I'm out of that world that my tunnel vision has lifted. It really sucks you in... the work, the drama, the pressures. But I came out on top. I feel happy with my progress: I know what I did and did not accomplish, and know where I need to go in order to take my work and my art to the next level.

It doesn't feel like summer just yet. The breeze is still too brisk, and I'm still wearing sneakers most of the time. The clouds have parted, however and hopefully it will be warm weather from here on out.

I bought my ticket for Switzerland today. I leave July 1st and don't return until August 27th. An entire summer away - haven't been gone that long in a while, but it might be good for me to get away. (Run away?) Fly away! But not as cheesy as Lenny Kravitz makes it... just some personal rehab, if you will. ["Destination anywhere, pack a bag and we're outta her..."] A summer with a long lost friend, collaboration and art. Sounds nice and therapeutic.

My dad got admitted to the hospital today - he had chest pains this morning. I love him so much and hope he is okay. I think he's fine, but I'm happy that he is being monitored... what an amazing father and person he is. That's all for now.

Blue Danube

2008-05-12T17:31:00.000-07:00

I’m a fool
and I’ll make
one
outta YOU, too

it’s over. Everything
G O N E/N O M O R E
I wonder what’s left
(to the right?)
upways, sideways, across
downtown/underground

just
plain
un-
lucky.

Tadeusz Kantor's Theater

2008-05-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Delivered my presentation on the Polish avant-garde theater director, theoretician, painter and scenic designer, TADEUSZ KANTOR yesterday. It went really well. I got really into researching this guy:

"FURTHER ON, NOTHING! This cry will be repeated many a time in my life. Moments of doubt. But the act of repeating this "nihilistic" cry gives me strength. Despair always changes for me into enormous strength. One must not give up." ~ Kantor, A Journey Through Other Spaces.

While doing my research, I became very fascinated by how he managed to bridge the gap between his paintings and theater. During the Nazi occupation of Poland he and a group of artist friends formed the underground experimental Independent Theater and began rehearsing and performing clandestinely in private homes and apartments in Krakow. The Germans prohibited all artistic life in Poland UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH. Out of simply the need to create, Kantor and his group began to revolutionize the purpose of art and theater.

The most notable of these Independent Theater productions was his staging of Stanislaw Wyspianski’s The Return of Odysseus (1944). Instead of in an apartment, Kantor decided to stage this piece in a room “ravaged” by war. The actors used found objects and carried them into the room at the top of the performance. A helmeted soldier wearing a faded overcoat sat with his back to the audience during this opening procession of objects, and when it was finished he turned to the audience and said his first line: “I am Odysseus; I have returned from Troy.”

Art for Kantor should be an answer to, rather than a representation of reality. Because World War II had destroyed his pre-1939 perception of it, Kantor argues that art needed to change and manifest itself in a way to deal with the new perception of reality. He created a new idea of what art could and could not be. He reflected on the reality of wartime suffering and devastation. He says: "In times of madness created by man, Death and its frightening troupes, which refused to be shackled by Reason and Human Senses, burst into and merged with the sphere of life."

During the late 60s, Kantor becomes extremely fascinated with the idea of memory. He begins traveling back within his own memories and begins to reflect on the nature of these pictures in our mind – are they dead or alive?

"MEMORY, memory of the past [has always been] held in contempt by the SOBER-MINDED… MEMORY [has always been] ruthlessly pushed aside by those troupes marching f o r w a r d, towards the f u t u r e… MEMORY … [is] worth thinking about! I was d i s c o v e r i n g it gradually, with enthusiasm, and often with despair. I felt THEATER was the right place for all it. I was not mistaken. The STAGE became it’s ALTAR!" ~ Kantor, Memory 1988

In 1975 Kantor writes and publishes his manifesto “Theater of Death.” In it he ponders how to create a space for memory on stage and argues that our memories are dead. Kantor’s first experiment with recreating memory on stage is seen through one of his most renowned productions, The Dead Class (1975). The action of this play takes place in what seems to be a ‘dead’ classroom. Senile, old characters enter the space and find mannequins of themselves from their childhood. Kantor has each actor wear their mannequin on his/her back, so as to represent the toting around of our own memories.

"The past exists in
Memory.
D E A D !
Its inhabitants are
D E A D , too.
They were dead but at the same time
alive,
that is, they can
move, and they can even
talk.
Pulled out of a three dimensional,
surprisingly flat
practice of life,
they fall into the hole of -
allow me to say this word -
E T E R N I T Y.”
-Kantor, Memory (1988)

One of the most interesting aspects of Kantor’s work is his presence on stage. In all of his CRICOT 2 productions, the audience has a full view of Kantor. At times during the performance he will get up and conduct his actors to make sure that their actions on stage remain spontaneous and new. Kantor’s presence gives the audience a portal into which they can properly view the production they are watching. His presence becomes a major attraction in his work, and when he died during the final dress rehearsal for Today is My Birthday in 1990, his company still performed the work, and kept the empty chair where Kantor sat present on stage during the performance. In the end, it was our memory of Kantor that was played up on the stage.

Here is some of his artwork that just blew me away:

"Self-Portrait," 1985

"Damn! I'm Falling," 1988

"Self Portrait - I have Something to Tell You," 1988

"A Soldier Carres the Picture, on which is Painted How he Carries the Picture," 1987.

"I'm Cleaning the Picture, on which there is Painted How I'm Cleaning the Picture," 1987

These last three paintings incude 3D portions where the legs and arms are "carrying" the paintings. This research makes me want to go and spend some time in Krakow. I heard it's a beautiful city - almost like Prague, in that it wasn't destroyed by war.

Satyagraha

2008-04-27T06:17:00.000-07:00

Scene III ~ 1908 PROTEST

Ghandi's Prayer:

The Lord said:
"Let a man feel hatred for no being, let him be friendly, compassionate; done with thoughts of "I" and "mine," the same in pleasure as in pain long suffering.

His self restrained, his purpose firm, let his mind and soul be steeped in Me, let him worship Me with love, then will I love him in return.

That man I love from whom the people do not shrink and who does not shrink from them, who is free from exaltation, fear, impatience, and excitement.

I love the man who has no expectation, is pure and skilled, indifferent, who has no worries and gives up all selfish enterprise, loyal-devoted to me.

I love the man who hates not nor exults, who mourns not nor desires, who puts away both pleasant and unpleasant things, who is loyal-devoted-and-devout.

I love the man who is the same to friend and foe, the same whether he be respected or despised, the same in heat and cold, in pleasure as in pain, who has put away attachment and remains unmoved by praise or blame, who is taciturn, content with whatever comes his way, having no home, of steady ming, but loyal-devoted-and-devout.

But as for those who reverence these deathless words of righteousness which I have just now spoken, putting their faith in them, making Me their goal my loving devotees, these I do love exceedingly. "

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Terry and I went classy Friday. We went to the MET and saw Philip Glass's opera about Ghandi's South African years, "Satyragraha." It was so moving and powerful and beautiful. The images were just breathtaking...

*Picture from second act, those are big newspaper puppets that float around the back - they come when Ghandi needs strength.

The whole experience was very moving. The final act parallels Ghandi and Martin Luther King, while MLK is perched high in the scaffold delivering his "Dream" speech in silhoutte, Ghandi is down stage center non-violently resisting the riot police.

Watch the MET's promo video for the opera --

OR ELSE!

I coulda been a contenda'

2008-04-24T17:20:00.000-07:00

Just need to stop:
(think think think)
what is meant to
B___________E
… is meant to be

I feel like breaking free from the constraints of my self-imposed “style,” - maybe a dip into the new and exciting. An exploration of uncharted territory (whatever that might be)? Yeah, prose is the way to go - At least for this post.

I’m really depressed about messing up my monologue at the audition. I know there are many factors that play into getting the gig (aside from talent, haha), but I was so right for this – so, so right, and it seemed like everything was lining up in my favor, but alas. Now the truth is that I haven’t heard from them, but it’s been two days and “no news is bad news” in this biz. Some say 'maybe' but I can feel it in my gut that it's a no go. I just wasn't connected during the monologue. Fuck you, Shakespeare. I know I shouldn’t dwell on it and scrutinize myself, but I can't help replaying the whole event over and over and over in my mind ad nauseum.

I should have done the monologue that my mom suggested. Instead I went with my acting teacher. FUCK. But right, I can’t dwell. Can’t complain – at least I had the opportunity to audition. It was my first audition as well, so I guess at least I have the experience to take from it.

T H E E X P E R I E N C E

Fuck that. I guess I just had my hopes up really high – so high that the crash feels like a b u r n/ I seem to be hitting the ground a lot lately. slump. I don’t like being in(side) a slump. Things were feeling good – everything was right.

I need to learn to:
C O N T A I N
myself! You know, me.

part of me feels like I never want to audition again. I feel so unmotivated in school, and this is definitely NOT the right time for all this negative emotion. Too much work for that.

Learning to be P R I V A T E

2008-04-22T14:52:00.000-07:00

Sitting slumped in my chair
head down
eyes closed
trying to be private

had an audition today
a B I G audition:
ensemble violinist/understudy
for this summer’s Hamlet
P R O D U C T I O N
(S E D U C T I O N)
at Shakespeare in the park.

I mean, wow!

But, to be private, or not
is R E A L L Y the question.
I think I did a good job
in the violin section
of the audition.
The composer seemed
impressed, interested

My monologue, however
Left something…

From Troilus and Cressida:
“Boldness comes to me right now, and brings me heart.
Prince Troilus, I have loved you night and day
For many weary months.
Hard to seem won; but I was won, my lord,
With the first glance that ever – pardon me –
If I confess much, you will play the tyrant.
I love you now; but not, till now, so much
But I might master it. In faith, I lie;
My thoughts were like unbridled children, grown
Too headstrong for their mother. See, we fools!
Why have I blabb’d? who shall be true to us,
When we are so unsecret to ourselves?
But, though I loved you well I woo’d you not;
And yet, good faith, I wish’d myself a man,
Or that we women had men’s privilege
Of speaking first. Sweet, bid me hold my tongue,
For in this rapture I shall surely speak
The thing I shall repent. See, see, your silence,
Cunning in dumbness, from my weakness draws
My very soul of counsel! Stop my mouth.
My lord, I do beseech you, pardon me;
‘Twas not my purpose, thus to beg a kiss.”

… to be desired.

But who knows what
they are lookin’ fo
plus, the competition seemed
F I E R C E
fuckin’ new york city

green green light
red light
green green light
red light

---------------------------------------------

an analysis?
I think I tried my best
nerves? No.
P R I V A C Y
I was too conscious
of my judges
not comfortable
enough with text.
we’ll see
but i
ain’t
holdin my breath.

A DIRECTOR'S BLOCK

2008-04-21T07:17:00.000-07:00

I am suffering from
a debilitating case of director’s block

falling down
falling down
down on the ground
h
o
w

d
e
a
f

is your

LOVE

--------------------------------------

i feel like milquetoast
WA L K A L L O V E R M E

wants, needs, desires
why did I choose this play?
Why did it speak to me?

working, buzzing, bumbling
honeybee, stuck in a tree.

Only three weeks left
Only three weeks to go
Only three weeks MORE
H O M E S T R E T C H

to be or not

2008-04-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

The coming of spring

All around I’m fuller, -
H E A L T H I E R
happier? Well who knows
about that one

Might be, though
Or maybe it’s just the spring warmth
that is t i c k l i n g my blood.
but things seem cheery
gaa a a aa a a a a y!

need to discover bitter sauces
rehearsal went really well
p r o g r e s s / r e g r e s s – undress?

Cab with lady warfare:
n o t s o b a d a f t e r a l l
“swapping your blood with formaldehyde”

diving off the deep end

2008-04-15T21:55:00.000-07:00

R.I.P. XANGA

we had a good run together out in cyber land, but it is time to move on to bigger and better forms of blogging. I don't think I'll completely destroy said account, however posts will most likely not be posted there.

* * *

i am researching about this director TADEUSZ KANTOR
he types like t h i s sometimes
to e m p h a s i z e what he is saying -
his manifestos are hard to read
interesting but r e a l l y time consuming

eaten. alive.

I'm feeling better lately
there are no regrets regarding the surgery

ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

school continues to a m a z e me
i've realised that thorough and dedicated
R E S E A R C H
is needed in order for me to grow

grow gr o w g r o w g r o w

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

have
finally come to appreciate opera
in search of tragic aria
maybe not t r a g i c per say
dark-sounding
complimentary to my
E X P R E S S I O N I S T I C
enterprise?

~~~~~~```~~~~~~~~~~````````~~~~~~~~~~~ ```````~~~~~~~~~~``````~~~~~~~~```

find more of myself now
h e ali n g
better respect and care
N E E D E D

Sonnet 118
Like as, to make our appetites more keen,
With eager compounds we our palate urge;
As, to prevent our maladies unseen,
We sicken to shun sickness when we purge;
Even so, buing full of ne'er-cloying sweetness,
To bitter sauces did I frame my feeding;
And, sick of welfare, found a kind of meetness
To be diseas'd ere that there was true needing.
Thus policy in love, t'anticipate
The ills that were not, grew to faults assured,
And brought to medicine a healthful state,
Which, rank of goodness, would by the lesson true,
But thence I learn, and find the lesson true,
Drugs poison him that so feel sick of you.

Happy birthday, Silhouettedsarah blog!